


Misfire Mini-Fills

by TinderWulf



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-25
Updated: 2013-11-28
Packaged: 2017-11-10 17:40:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 12,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/468945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinderWulf/pseuds/TinderWulf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Misfire mini-fills from the kink-meme. Various characters. May contain some smut here and there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Misfire Prompt: I'm stunned. You can't... This is not fair!
> 
> Char: Aria, Grizz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All game characters, movie, songs, etc. belong to their various owners. I own nothing.

Aria watched with disinterest as her thugs gathered the asari's things.

"Sorry lady, you're gonna have to find a new couch to prowl from." 

"I'm stunned. You can't... This is not fair!" 

Poor Grizz. The man has a purse in one hand and a shrieking, thrashing _famous_ asari in the other. 

"Do you know who I am?!" 

It was almost enough to make Aria smile. Almost. The queen takes her place as Grizz makes his way to the booths in the back to deposit his luggage.

"Move along, nothin' to see here."


	2. ME/Mythbusters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Challenge: Written for kmeme, any/any crossover fic in 100 words or less.

Jamie: Are krogan penises 2-3 times bigger than humans?

Kari: I can't wait to test this.

Adam: *Tweaks high speed cameras*

Grant: *Makes sure all krogan are at 'starting' point.*

Scottie: *Plays krogan porn*

 

10 Minutes later:

 

MB Cast: Busted!

Jamie: Ha, ha, ha! 

Adam: *snorts* That's surprising.

Grant: You told the krogan it's done, right?

Kari: Yeah, I did.

Scottie: Then why are they still...uh, going?  
\--

Adam & Jaime: And so, the myth is busted. Krogan may have 4 testicles, but their phallus on average is not much larger than a humans. Definitely not gigantic as myth stated.


	3. Man-Noodle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misfire Prompt: 'GO AWAY THOR, I REFUSE TO CALL YOUR PENIS A 'MIGHTY MAN-NOODLE'

[ _"GO AWAY THOR, I REFUSE TO CALL YOUR PENIS A 'MIGHTY MAN-NOODLE'."_ ]

Garrus and Thane look at each other with confused and slightly mortified expressions. 

[ _"You will, female, or it will not be yours!"_

 _"Oh, Thor, PLEASE!"_ ]

"What in Spirits name is going on in there?!"

"I don't think I want to know. Perhaps we should have called Shepard ahead of time instead of showing up at her door."

They are stopped from leaving when the door opens revealing Joker...in blasto pajamas, with a tub of popcorn nestled in one arm.

[ _AH! AH! YES! FUCK ME WITH YOUR MIGHTY MAN-NOODLE!_ ]

Garrus and Thane shifted uncomfortably but before they could come up with something to say, Shepard herself appeard...also in blasto pajamas.

"Guys! Come in! We are watching bad porn of the earth year 2012."

"Oh, uh, we were just going to invite you to a contest between snipers. Weren't we, Thane?"

"Yes! Yes, we were, but we can see you are busy. Perhaps a rain check?"

[ _SLAP MY ASS WITH THAT MIGHTY MAN-NOODLE!_ ]

Both callers shift again.

"Da fuck is the goddamn hold up, it's about to get to the worst part."

Zaeed...in blasto pajamas. 

"Go ahead and have your movie night Shepard. We'll, uh, see you later."

_["AYE, AYE, AYE, I'M CUMMING!"]_

They back away slowly toward the elevator, speeding up when the vids screams got louder until finally the elevator door closes leaving them in uncomfortable quiet.

"Spirits. That was....I don't even know!"

"Agreed. Perhaps we should just ask EDI next time."

["The Commander, Jeff, Mr. Massani, and sometimes a few crew members have a bad movie night every earth Saturday evening. Tonight's theme was "Porn gone WTF!?". Pajamas are manditory. I have already requistioned yours for the next movie night.]

Both men shuddered before quickly finding their ways back to their own quarters. Desperate to forget what they just experienced.


	4. Cardinal Rule

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misfire Prompt: 'Sod your cardinal rule! This works well... have a bit of faith.'

Sweat trickled down Donnelly's brow, lower lip between his teeth. 

Gabby snorts, "There is a reason it is a rule, Kenneth."

"Sod your cardinal rule! This works well... have a bit of faith."

"Hah! You can't replace pecans with walnuts and call it the same, Kenneth. It doesn't taste the same."

"Have faith!" Donnelly grabs an occupied napkin and offers it to the good doctor. "Doctor Chakwas, will you please taste these, I made them myself!" 

She flinches, somewhat shaken by his outburst and surprise that he baked. She takes a small, cautious bite, her expression blank as she chewed. 

She coughs lightly, "Kenneth, have the pecans gone bad?"

"See! I told you, Kenneth. You can't replace pecans with walnuts. Especially when one of the main ingredients is PECANS."

Donnelly went back to the kitchen grumbling under his breath about pecan chocolate chip cookies.


	5. Best. Birthday. Ever.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misfire Prompt: 'Best. Birthday. Ever.'

The turian wok slowly, almost painfully. His eyes heavy and his head hurting from all the alcohol he had consumed the night before. A woman groaned behind him, likely feeling the same. He closed his eyes again trying to understand the flashes he remembered of the night.

 

_"Hey! You're the officer that I gave that Banner of the First Regiment too, right?"_

_"Yes Ma'am, and I believe I owe you a drink."_

_"Hell yeah, you do."_

Sometime between the fifth -or tenth- drink, he started making advances. Flirting. He knew who she was, but his brain sure as hell didn't care. The next few hours were a blur. Until he managed to get her home. While the memories are fuzzy, he could never forget the way it felt when she

_Mounted him, taking him inside her. She threw her head back, releasing a moan before running her hands up her own body; one squeezing a breast, the other running along her collar bone. That nearly undid him. She moved her hands to his shoulders to steady herself before grinding her hips in a small circle, squeezing his cock with her inner muscles. He was unable to hold back his groan of pleasure, "Spirits."_

_He gripped her hips, begging her for more. She didn't disappoint. She rode him hard, moving one hand down to tease her clit, the other reaching under his fringe the best she could. He kept his hands on her hips thrusting in time with her rocking, chests pressed against each other. Her mouth nibbling and sucking on his neck and mandibles. It was nearly too much and he feared he would not be able to hold back much longer. Her rocking became erratic, nearly frantic, as she removed her hand from his fringe, once again using it to press herself more onto his cock. Her teeth locked down on his neck and her entire body nearly froze as her orgasm rushed through her, his following closely behind as he thrust harder into her, spilling himself inside her. Their final moans being released as they pressed their faces together. Sharing small teasing kisses._

He couldn't help but become aroused remembering how much passion she had. He rolled over to see her stretching with a smile on her face, her eyes predatory. She quickly tackled him. _As if he tried to fight._

She straddled his hips, threw her hands in the air and declared, "Best. Birthday. Ever." , before being pulled down by her lover. 

"I have another birthday present for you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First smut scene I ever wrote. I edited it, put am still not very pleased with it. I have looked at it so many times the words no longer make sense. ^_^


	6. Mordin the Investigator

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misfire Prompt: "Could be the start of a little coupling, even some banter, or the start of nothing. Any interest in completion?"

Several female crew members sat in Mordin's office, shifting uncomfortably while Mordin went on and on about his newest study.

The mating habits of varren.

"Could be the start of a little coupling, even some banter, or the start of nothing. Any interest in completion?"

"NO!"

"Can varren even banter?" This from Kelly.

"Yes. Very interesing. Banter can be body language or different degrees of growling. Much like the way Grunt communicates."

Kelly nods in understanding.

"Need something?"

"Yes, Mayers has a date with a batarian tonight and she was too embarrassed to search the extranet for information. I came to see if you would send it to her."

"Of course! Batarians not unlike humans. Teeth look scary but are quite smooth. Penis much the same as humans." Mordin tapped away on his omnitool, transferring data to Mayers omnitool. Mayers blushing.

"No need to be embarrassed. Best to be informed. Come to me if any questions." 

After the ladies had left, Mordin marked them off his list. They showed no signs of becoming aroused upon seeing the mating varren. They were the last ones. He sighed, somewhat defeated.

"Perhaps tested blood wrong? No, no, no. Scale itch on board. Who carried it?"

[The commander and her squadmates could have unknowingly carried it back on their armor after they restarted enviromental controls. They were in Blood Pack territory.]

"Of course, thank you EDI! But wait. Must decon before entering ship."

[Scale itch was not on the data Cerberus provided for the decontamintation chamber. I have since added it.]

"Thank you, EDI, I will check their armor and decontaminate accordingly."

Mordin grabs his black bag and makes his way to the armory. "I am the very model of a scientist salarian....."


	7. VidPal Anonymous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misfire Prompt: "AH! Hurry back anon!!! Am dying to see what happens next!!!"

Whoever said having a vid pal was stupid, was well....stupid. This had to be the best invention ever. So what if you didn't know who you were watching the vid with, so long as they were suited to your vid ettiquette. Being a premium member might be expensive, but it was worth every credit. This anonymous chat & vid watching through the extranet site, VidPalAnonymous.citadel.extnet....was perfect. One long survery and you get matched with people like you. There is nothing more annoying than someone who has bad movie manners.

"Wow, what an explosion! Those humans sure knew how to make some awesome vids! And this is an old one too?...Amazing."

'I know!"

"I read somewhere that they actually blew that house up! This was a one in a million shot. Imagine how many hours of prep work had to go into this one scene!" 

"These two actors have such an amazing chemistry together too."

Explosions, guns, and car chases always have a way of bringing people together it seems. This was totally worth giving up the Premium Fornax subscribtion for. 

"Hey, pause it man. Food's here."

"AH! Hurry back anon!!! Am dying to see what happens next!!!" 

"I gotta eat! We have two more movies to watch."


	8. Teachers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misfire prompt: "Marvelous. Beautifully written ^^"

\-----

He smells of mother.  
Sniper, warrior, krantt mate.  
Garrus is worthy.

-

Small and tiny is  
The human under my deck.  
Power and rage, awe.

-

Old, but sturdy, with  
Scars that line the sides. He gave  
Her a name. Jessie.

-

Annoying but fair.  
Worthy of hearing, but give  
no coffee to him.

-

Brave and Courageous.  
Fearless, unforgiving. She  
is Battlemaster.

-

Loving, Giving, Kind.  
She teaches without judging.  
She is my Mother.

-

0845: Am I doing this right Krantt-mate Kasumi?  
[0846: Yes, Grunt. ]  
0846: Well how am I doing?  
[0847: Marvelous. Beautifully written ^^]


	9. Oops!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misfire Prompt:  
> "oops  
> ignore that  
> That was supposed to be elsewhere."

"Joker, I need those reports."

How Tali manages to type, walk, and talk all at once, Joker doesn't know. It's enough to make him dizzy and he's sitting down. Leather seats! 

This did give him the chance he'd been waiting for, however. The deck was nearly empty save for a few crewmen near the galaxy map. He keyed up his omnitool and sent the 'report' to her, watching her out of the corner of his eye.

"Oh, Keelah! Is he licking her? That...that's a quarian female! What the hell are you sending me, Joker!?"

"Oops."

He hides his laughter.

"Don't Oops, me!" She shuts off the vid, "Give me the report."

Joker pretends to type away on his omnitool, Tali with her helmeted head in her hand, mumbling. He is pretty sure he heard her say, 'Boshtet pilot.' He presses send and waits. She releases a breath when she opens it. 

"WHAT! This is porn _again_ , Joker! Oh keelah, a human male and a quarian!?"

Joker represses his laughter again, "Ignore that."

"How can I ignore it!?", she all but yells. She stalks away, her body language giving away her embarrassment. Joker laughs. 

His omnitool pings when he is wiping a joyous tear away. He can't wait to see what new curse words he will learn from Tali today. What he sees when he opens it however, was not a letter filled with vile words, but a vid....filled with porn. One he hadn't seen before. A female quarian riding a human male in a dentist chair. A chair that was similar to his leather chair. 

When Tali materializes beside him, he quickly yanks his hat off to cover his growing erection. 

She leaned over the chair and whispered, "Oops. Ignore that. That was supposed to be elsewhere." Then she turns and _saunters_ back toward the elevator leaving Joker staring after her.

_This means war, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy._

Damn her delicious hips.


	10. Update?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misfire Prompt: "Checking back every day for an update!!!"

"Mordin, protein drink mixture?"

"Close to breakthrough. Kill you if you drink it now."

"How much longer? Need better protein intake."

"Unsure. Estimated two weeks."

He sees her shifting, twitchy. Unable to stand still.

"Shepard, restroom there."

"What? Don't need to go. Thinking. Need movement."

"Mocking me, Shepard?" He narrows his eyes at her but she doesn't seem to notice. "Know I'm new. Welcoming me to team perhaps? Prank?"

"No. Came to say hello. Check on drink. No prank."

"Fine. Two weeks. No sooner."

She turns toward the exit, "Checking back every day for an update!!!"

After the door closed behind her he took a deep breath, releasing it, then set to work on the fragile concoction. He sniffed, "Soldiers. Always in a hurry."

\----

"You owe me fifty credits, Garrus." 

He closes the feed Shepard recorded, "Fine, but a hundred more if you do it during a ground mission that he is on. The entire mission."

"You're on. But if I win you have to talk to 'Jessie' for an entire mission instead of addressing Zaeed."

He groaned. "If he kills me, I will haunt you."


	11. Rock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misfire Prompt: "With all those muscles, she's like a liquid rock!"

Jack was hungry. She treaded up the stairs from her 'quarters' on a mission for food. When she left the door of engineering she saw Garrus staring out the window into the cargo bay. Slack jawed, mandibles loose, his arms just hanging by his side.

"Garrus! What the fuck are you doing down here?"

Jack didn't bother to hide her smirk when Garrus startled in surprise.

He coughed, a hand rubbing the back of his neck, "What is that thing Shepard is....flipping?"

Jack looked through the window, "How the fuck did she find one of those! In space no less!"

"What is 'one of those'?"

Garrus still hadn't taken his eyes off Shepard. Jack looked back down into the cargo bay getting a good look at Shepard. She was in a pair of short gym shorts, a sports bra, and tennis shoes. Her muscles flexing with each movement, her skin slick and shining from perspiration. Jack smirked. 

"Didn't think we were all squishy did you, Vakarian?"

"With all those muscles, she's like a liquid rock!" 

Jack turned to leave, but thought better of it. She could hear the want in Garrus' subvocals. Shepard helped Jack, so Jack would help Shepard.

"That thing she is flipping is a tractor tire. She will continue to flip it until her body can't pick it up anymore. It is a really, really old workout. But one that's effective."

Garrus nodded. She assumed he heard. The man was still gawking at Shepard. Fucking pussy.

"Vakarian, she will be horny when she's done. And she already likes you, so don't fucking waste it."

That got his attention. Jack was sure the turians mouth couldn't hang open anymore than it already was.

"Get your chin off the floor. Look, she's done and the elevator is on this floor, so get in it and wait. Hurry! She is going to press the button."

Garrus entered the elevator, the doors closing after him. Jack waited for a few minutes. Garrus was great under fire, but Jack wasn't so sure he would just throw caution out the window here. Just in case he chickened out...

"EDI, can you help Garrus with a little matchmaking?"

"Of course Jack. Although if the security footage is anything to go by, he won't need any help. Officer Vakarian 'jumped her bones' as soon as the door closed after she entered."

Jack laughed, "Way to go, Garrus!" Wait, _security footage_? "EDI, you may want to delete that footage before anyone else sees it. Shepard would not be happy." 

"I have done so."

Jack was waiting for the elevator, her stomach growling, reminding her of her original mission. 

"They are currently exiting the elevator on deck one. Jack, would you please collect their clothing from the elevator and leave it at Shepard's door?"

"Fuck. Yeah, but if I have to touch Shepard's panties then she is going to owe me."


	12. Click

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misfire Prompt: "Ah. That worked."

"Harder, Shepard!"

Shepard, breathing hard, "I'm...doing it...as hard....as I can!"

Garrus pleading, "It's not hard enough!"

"Siha, perhaps I could help?"

"Oh hell yes, Thane, please."

Grunts and heavy breathing filled the room. 

"Harder, Thane! Yes, like that!"

"As you command, Garrus." Thane whispered hoarsely.

"Almost there. Shepard, change your angle. YES!", Garrus exclaimed. 

When the sound of the hydraulic lock sounded, three winded and exhausted people sighed in relief.

"Ah. That worked."

"Finally."

"Indeed."

They collapse on the couch staring at the footlocker that had refused to close for the last hour.

\---

"Kelly, I thought you were going to give the Commander her message."

"Oh!" Kelly blushed furiously. "I was, but she sounded....busy. I will just notify her when she is....finished."


	13. Bedrest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misfire Prompt: 'i loved this.'
> 
> \--Quickly written, sorry for typos!

Shepard moaned, a sound filled with joy and contentment.

"I take it I did well, Siha?"

"Oh, Thane. The best I've ever had."

Thane kissed her shoulder as they reclined in bed. 

Shepard had been put on bed rest...for six hours. Although if you asked Shepard, it was an eternity. Thane refused to bring her datapads so she could work. Instead, while Garrus came to keep her company (babysit), Thane snuck off to the mess hall to make Shepard some of her favorite junk food. Later Thane returned with cheese nachos, a cheeseburger, french fries, cheese sticks, and a chocolate shake. Joker had helped him. 

Now his Siha was rubbing her full stomach with a blissful smile upon her plump lips. Thane couldn't resist stealing a kiss. 

"I'm glad I could please you."

"Thank you, Thane. I loved this."

He kissed her again. When he pulled back this time, she had a familiar look in her eyes.

"No, Siha. You still have four hours of rest."

"But I'm bored!"

"I see." He raised a brow at her.

She quickly realized her mistake, "I'm not bored with you, it's just I'm not used to not working."

"Well, it is only your arm you are not allowed to use. Perhaps, I could keep the rest of you occupied."

"Did I mention how much I loved this?"


	14. Best Thing Ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misfire Prompt: "THIS IS THE BEST THING I EVER READ!"

"Hey Garrus, got a minute?"

"Can it wait for a bit? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."

"Sure. Mind if I crash on your cot?"

"Yeah, sure. Go ahead."

Garrus refocused his attention back to the lines of coding. He'd missed an error his first run through of this section. He could ask EDI to fix it, but he thought she was challenging him by mentioning that he had missed it. EDI had come across as...smug. Garrus' pride demanded he do it himself. He was tired and hungry, but he _would_ find the error.

Garrus growled in frustration. This was the fifth time he had been through the same lines of code and he _still_ hadn't found the error. 

"EDI are you sure there was an error?"

"Yes, Officer Vakarian. Would you like me to tell you which line the error currently resides?"

"No. I will find it myself."

He ignored Shepard's snort. That woman was another problem. She distracted him constantly. He swore she swayed her hips when they were in the field. And the way that armor fit her...

Garrus sighed mentally. That had been an uncomfortable trip back. They way Shepard's lips twitched made him think she knew of his problem, but that was probably paranoia. 

He heard her snort again and quickly dismissed it. She was probably chatting with Tali. He, once again, refocused back to the lines of code. When she outright chuckled he turned to see what was going on, but when he saw what was in her hands he could only react.

"Where the spirits did you get that, Shepard!"

She waves the datapad in his face when he reaches down to claim it. "What this? Why, it was under your pillow."

"Give it!"

"No way, Garrus! It's starting to get really good!"

"SHEPARD!", he yelled trying to grab the moving datapad.

"THIS IS THE BEST THING I EVER READ!", she yelled right back while putting the datapad under her.

_Oh, spirits this is mortifying!_

He was practically sprawled on top of her trying to get the datapad.

"Halt, Vakarian!"

He froze at her command. he looked down to realize he had one hand under her rear while the other supported his weight, his lower half in between her legs. A very intimate position. He quickly tried to move, but she wrapped her legs around his armored waist and pulled him tight to her.

"Do you really lay here and write poetry about me when you can't sleep?"

He groaned in embarrassment, closing his eyes. "Yes."

He opened his eyes when she spoke, her voice thick with emotion. "You really think all those things about me? Even when I do silly stuff?"

"Yes. Especially the silly stuff."

He sucked in a breathe when she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him down to her. He shuddered when she pressed her forehead to his. 

"You're everything to me too, Garrus."

_Out drank Urdnot Wrex,  
but had to be carried home.  
She kissed the airlock._

_Hips sway, her eyes shine,  
The light explodes from her hand.  
A Goddess of war._

_Tried to bake me cake,  
Food on ceiling and in hair.  
Best birthday ever! _

_I hear her sing with  
Mordin. I stayed in shadows.  
Her voice gave me peace._

_She dances badly.  
I dance badly next to her.  
We laugh at the stares._

_Steals my breath with her  
smile. My soul with her laugh.  
She is everything._


	15. Find

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misfire Prompt: "Oh HELL yeah!"

"Commander, the Primarch wishes to know if you are awake. I can tell by your scans that you are, however I wish to ask before I answered. In case you do not wish to be disturbed."

It was currently well into the night cycle. Shepard had been unable to sleep and it seemed the Primarch was having a difficult time as well.

"I am awake, EDI. Thank you for asking. Allow him to reach my deck if he wishes."

Shepard had been going over reports. She hoped he didn't mind her state of dress, and a room with datapads scattered all over the place. In a system of course...just a messy looking system. She was currently sitting on the foot of the bed with a few datapads next to her. The most recent numbers and reports from Alliance Command.

"Commander, I hope I'm not disturbing you."

"Just Jane or Shepard when I am off duty, Primarch, and you aren't disturbing me. I haven't adjusted to a sleep schedule yet."

"Please, call me Adrien. I haven't adjusted either."

Jane looked up when Adrien stopped in front of her. He looked just as tired as she felt. 

They had been flirting since he took residence on her ship. She had been attracted to him the moment she laid eyes on him and he seemed to reciprocate. She gathered the datapads and tossed them onto the table near the couch.

"Well then, Adrien, how about we see if we can wear each other out?"

Shepard leaned back on her elbows, letting her eyes roam over his body before reaching his eyes. 

His mandible twitched in amusement, "What is it Vega said today?" He paused, looking as if he were searching before he met her eyes. _"Oh, HELL yeah!"_

Jane fell back, laughing. "That would be when he found the peanut butter."

Adrien purred as he lay half on her, running a hand up her bare thigh, "I'd like to think you are a much better find."


	16. Boom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “This is awesome! Nervous, babbling shep is hilarious.”

“What's going on?”

Garrus sat next to Joker trying to understand the sight before him. There was food, at least he thought it was food, splattered all over the counter tops, cabinets, and ceiling. And there was Shepard, standing in the middle of the mess...also covered in food.

“I'm not sure exactly. I came to get coffee and everything was fine. Shepard was adding stuff to the blender, likely to spice up what protein drink.”

“I thought Mordin was almost done with the one he was making for her.”

Joker sipped his coffee before answering. “Oh he was, and that is what she is drinking. Mordin hasn't got to the flavor thing yet and Shepard is testing them out before he does.”

“What did you do to my kitchen!”

“I don't know, Gardner! It just exploded.”

“I am NOT cleaning this mess up. It's bad enough I have to clean up after the krogan. I don't get paid enough for this!”

“I'm sorry, Gardner. Please don't leave, let me make it up to you. How about the day off? And some better supplies! I'll even teach Grunt to clean up after himself. No, no...I'll clean it!”

Garrus hid his laughter, as did Joker. The last time they had seen the Commander this nervous and desperate was when she accidentally tracked varren shit into the medbay. Doctor Chakwas had been livid. 

They watched as Shepard continued to try to calm Gardner without much success. He did not like his kitchen messed up.

Kasumi plopped down on the other side of Joker, her permanent sly smile in place, “This is awesome! Nervous, babbling Shep is hilarious.”

“Kasumi, did you have anything to do with this?”

“Wouldn't you like to know.” Then she cloaked.

“You better hope Shepard doesn't find out.” Joker grumbled, less amused by the situation. 

“I think I'll help her clean it up.” Garrus was confused when Joker loosed a _whoopish_ sound. What does that even mean?


	17. Want to Bet?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misfire Prompt: “Ha ha, I don't think that goes there.”

Javik watched, unamused, as the krogan moved large crates around while the Commander directed. Everyone seemed to bow to the primitive females demands. Everyone but himself of course. 

It was bad enough he was forced to be here for hand-to-hand combat training. As if he hadn't fought reapers in his cycle. He was born in war. Fighting was not something he could forget.

Then there was the weapons bench he had accidentally touched. It would seem the Commander and the turian that rarely left the war room had used the table recently. Disgusting primitives. Javik wanted to wash his hands.

“Shepard, just pick a place.”

“It's like a puzzle, Wrex.”

“If you weren't terrifying when things don't get put back in their place, I would tell you to kiss my quad.”

Javik sneered in disgust at the remark.

“You'd like that too much, big guy.”

“Yeah, 'til you bite me. From the marks on Victus, I can tell you're a biter.”

Javik watched as a red color ran its was up the Commanders neck then face. He'd waited long enough. He stood, anger surging through him, “Commander! You waste my time by br– ….”

Suddenly he was thrown on his back, a crate lying on his chest carefully held by biotics to keep it from crushing him completely. He growled roughly when he noticed the krogan lit in a blue aura. 

Shepard interrupted Javik's dark thoughts. “Ha, ha. I don't think that goes there.” Crossing her arms under her breasts and cocking a hip out.

“Then tell me where to put it, Shepard.” Wrex answered. When Shepard turned her back, Wrex leaned down toward Javik's face. “Show some respect to your Commander or I will throw you out of the airlock.” Then the krogan was gone and so was the weight from the crate.

Perhaps the Commander was better than he thought. Perhaps she truly is the avatar of Victory. Of Hope. Especially if she commanded the respect of such a powerful krogan.

“Right there, Wrex.” The Commander bounced on her toes, “Hey! Can I hang over your hump? You know...like a piggy back ride, but krogan style!”

Javik watched the Commander laugh while the krogan balanced her on his hump. “The long way to the mess hall, good sir!”

Or perhaps not. _Primitives!_


	18. Seed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MisFire Prompt: “the use of the word seed made me really uncomfortable.”

How Shepard managed to find Gardner _and_ convince him to return to the Normandy, Garrus would never know. 

“...messin' with my seed!”

Garrus, Victus, and Wrex were currently getting the third degree from the ships' chef. They had come to the mess hall late at night, hungry, after a long meeting with Shepard. 

Garrus still wasn't sure what they had done wrong. All he was understanding was that it had something to do with seed.

“Do you have any idea how hard it was to find this seed? The commander loves it to spice certain meals!”

Ah. Apparently one of them had accidentally toppled a spice jar. It wasn't like it was their fault it hadn't been put away.

“...was just about to put the finishing touches on her bread, but...”

Even Victus looked sorry. Wrex looked a little disturbed. And to top it off, they were still hungry. They hadn't even been able to get anything out of the refrigerator.

“Don't touch my seed again, or I will ban you three from the kitchen. I don't care if you are high ranking people or not!”

They all sighed with relief as he walked away grumbling. Wrex looked shaken, and pale. Garrus didn't know krogan could pale. 

“You okay, Wrex?”

Victus patted the old warlord's shoulder before he hesitantly returned to fixing himself something to eat.

Wrex opened and closed his mouth a few times before he shuddered, placing his face in his hands. “The use of the word seed made me really uncomfortable.” When Garrus remained confused, Wrex continued gruffly, “Mordin needed a tissue sample....”, before he grabbed a pre-packaged meal and walked away.

Garrus was almost positive Wrex was walking a little bow-legged. _Oh._


	19. Lick- tacious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not a misfire, but a minifill for this prompt: http://masseffectkink.livejournal.com/5405.html?thread=22772253#t22772253
> 
> Mass Effect Craiglist (Casual Encounters)  
> "... I'm sure the ME characters have an equivalent of Craigslist in their universe..."

"Human female looking for well endowed turian (male or female). By well endowed I mean big mandibles.

Send holo of mandibles to: TurianMandibleFetish038@citadel.zakeraward.extnet

Must have proof of clean medical record. I don't want some cross species STD."


	20. Didn't Know You Cared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Stroke my cock and call me Susan!" (The line wanted used in a fill.)
> 
> I still own nothing.

Didn't Know You Cared

Adjusting the heavy box on her hip, Shepard touched the holographic display as she hummed happily.

“It's open!” came a muffled reply.

“If it were open the door would have opened when I pressed the button.” she replied in a sing-song tone.

Still smiling, Shepard waited patiently through the cursing and the sound of objects falling. When the door finally did open, it was to an unhappy bounty hunter. Half dressed.

“Shepard. What brings you down to my quarters? Finally came to take me up on one of my many offers?” 

Her smile still in place, “Sorry, pops. I come bearing gifts.”

With a grunt, Zaeed waved her inside. Shepard followed the old merc inside before she finally was able to set down the box. 

“I was just cleaning Jessie.”Zaeed said after Shepard noticed the desk littered in parts.

“About that. I know how attached you are to your gun.” Shepard was having a hard time holding in her excitement. “So, I bought you a present.”

“Now listen. I know how your gifts always end up being the best and newest, but Jessie is reliable. I won't trade her in for anything.”

“You didn't curse one time in that whole sentence, Zaeed!”

“Daft bitch.” Zaeed smirked.

Unable to no longer hide her eagerness, Shepard pushed the box over. “Open it.”

Zaeed opened the lid after some slight hesitation. “Stroke my cock and call me Susan!”

Smile gone, “What?”

“You got me spare parts for Jessie? Goddam Shepard. I didn't know you cared that much.”

“What?! No, I just...thought....” Sucking in a small panicked breath, “I should go.”

Zaeed chuckled roughly after Shepard made a hasty exit. She was always so easy to fluster.


	21. A Movie Lives On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misfire Fill Prompt: "That last bit had me in tears."
> 
> I do not own the movie or the characters.

Garrus cleaned up his mess after having a late night snack. The deck was near empty, save for Steve and Vega also having a late night meal. The pair were talking about a kids movie as they ate what they called peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Having found a majority of the human movies to be interesting, Garrus was curious.

“What movie are you talking about?”

“The Toy Story Series, Wrex just started Toy Story 3...” Steve seemed to have trouble speaking before he cleared his throat. “That last bit had me in tears.”

“What last bit?”

Setting down his cup, Vega answered for Steve. “The end of Toy Story 3. The series is amazing and it's still popular with kids, and even adults, today.”

Steve nodded, “You should check it out.”

Taking a moment to internally debate his options, Garrus decided since Shepard was already asleep after having a long day that Garrus could watch the last movie before he went to bed. He said his good-nights to Vega and Steve before he joined Wrex in the lounge. 

“Garrus.”

“Wrex.”

They sat quietly, both completely immersed in the movie. Neither commenting or talking, both men forgetting the other was there. 

When Shepard walked in some time later, she found the men sobbing next to each other. Fear laced through her thinking something had happened to their families. 

That was until she caught sight of the blue car driving away and a cowboy watching in sadness as his human began a new chapter in their life. Shepard knew this movie by heart. It was one of the few that could make her feel so broken and hopeful at the same time. 

She quickly and quietly backed out of the room to give the men their privacy. Human men didn't like it when someone noticed them crying, certainly that was something that crossed species.

* * *

The next day on the Citadel, Shepard hunted down a small store carrying specialty items. There she purchased a set of action figures for Garrus and Wrex, along with a two-foot tall stuffed Rex, Woody, and Buzz. Shepard had wanted them all, but the store didn't carry them.

While the men were out running errands, Shepard wrapped the gifts, leaving the boxes on their beds. She made sure the bright cobalt blue paper would be seen as soon as Garrus walked inside their cabin. 

Years later, after the war had been won and Shepard had healed, she found Garrus and Wrex in the shared living-room on Tuchanka with all of their children on men's laps as the small group watched the tale from the beginning. Each child holding a stuffed toy of their favorite character. 

Shepard smiled as she squeezed in between her mate and her children, her heart melting when her son and nephew snuggled up with her.

Together they all cried. No shame, no teasing, just real honest tears for characters they loved.


	22. Cupid's Curse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A minifill for the Positively Minifill Prompt on the KinkMeme. 
> 
> Prompt pairing: Kasumi with Jacob or Kelly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing.

Looking around, Jacob tried to find whom the small package came from. After scanning the box to make sure it was safe, he hesitantly opened it.

“What the hell?”

Why would someone give him a cupids outfit to wear? He knew Shepard was into celebrating every holiday that came around, but this was ridiculous.

J: Why do I have a cupids costume?  
S: Your name was drawn.  
J: Damn it, Shepard.   
S: It's just for an hour. You'll survive.

Jacob grumbled as he began to change into his 'costume'. The crew would never let him live this down. He grabbed his plastic bow and arrow after adjusting his halo.

* * *

“That's not the costume I ordered.”, Shepard stated before she covered her mouth to stifle a chuckle.

Jacob glared, angry. “Then why was this left for me?”

“There must have been a mix up at the costume store. Sorry, Jacob. It's just a few hours.”

“What? You said an hour, tops!”

Shepard smiled in sympathy, “Can't have Valentine's Day without cupid now can we?”

Meanwhile, in the shadows of the overly decorated mess hall:

“I can't believe you found one.”

Kasumi grinned at Kelly even though she knew Kelly couldn't see her. “It was easy to change the order once you told me what store Shepard had sent it to.”

“We do make a good team.”

Both women sighed in appreciation as they watched Jacob stand in the crowd. “Well worth the effort.”

Kelly giggled, “Ready to start the next stage?”

“I was born ready.”

* * *

 _What he hell?_ Jacob turned quickly trying to figure out who was pinching his ass but no one seemed to notice. 

He would never forgive Shepard for this. High-quality tighty whiteys or not. They could at least turn up the heat since he was shirtless. 

He inhaled sharply when he felt hands on his ass again. Instead of a pinch, his cheeks were squeezed. Jacob didn't bother turning to look, not with so many people moving around. Instead, he downed a shot. 

Might as well enjoy it.


	23. Medicine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Positively Minifill Prompt: Grunt/Dr. Chakwas
> 
> Doesn't have to be smutty or romantic, can be just something humorous or cute. Just two characters that I'd like to see interact in some way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing still and always.

“Just take a sip and let the it slide along your tongue.” Doctor Chakwas sighed as she showed Grunt exactly what she meant. The peppermint like taste tingled her tongue. 

“I don't get it.”

“They call it Ice Brandy because it cools the tongue. The flavor is similar to human peppermint candy, but not as strong.”

Grunt downed his glass in one gulp before his eyes lit up. “Oh yeah, I feel it now!”

Chakwas sighed in defeat. Boys. They just don't make classy men like they used to. 

The young krogan's crudeness was a small trade for a proper foot rub, however. Medicinal lessons in return for a foot massage. Grunt had insisted he not be given the lessons for free, instead a trade in services. Of course Serrice Ice Brandy wasn't exactly medicinal....

It wasn't until she felt a wet object in between her first and second toe that she began to second guess her decision. She would give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him before she opened her eyes.

“Grunt? What exactly are you doing?” 

“Licking your feet.”

She stiffened in the chair as his warm tongue wet the entire bottom of her foot, heel to toe. “Might I ask why?” She wouldn't lie, the rough warm tongue was actually quite soothing to her aching foot. Especially when he applied pressure...

“Krogan have pressure points in the feet. Tongue stimulation promotes relaxation.” Grunt stated as if everyone should know.

“Well...it certainly does after a long day on my feet.”

“Your feet are cleaner than a krogans.”

That wasn't a picture she wanted in her brain.

* * *

She strode purposefully through the mess hall on her way to the med bay. There were a ton of things she had to complete before they could dock for shore leave.

When she walked inside however, she was met with a sight that shocked her so thoroughly that she could only turn and walk back out again. 

Jack had thought she'd seen everything, but this was likely the most traumatizing. Fuck Shepard and her wanting to include Jack in ship duties. 

The mental image of Doctor Chakwas laying on a gurney with Grunt on his knees worshipping the good doctors feet was going to be burned into her nightmares forever.


	24. Whisper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "I didn't expect to find you."

The ground was wet, smelling of decayed leaves, as she slowly walked the wooded trail. There had been whispers that he had been seen here at her family vacation home near the lake. 

It was by some miracle that the wooded area was untouched. Less than ten miles away however, the small town hadn't been so lucky. The store she used to purchase groceries from is now a tent, the owner a recent widow. 

_I'm so sorry honey. He wasn't there and our home is destroyed. Your grandmother didn't make it..._

Grief tightened her throat as a tear slid down her face, her vision becoming blurry. But she kept walking. Limping slowly with the help of her cane through the trees as the cold, crisp air ghosted across her face.

She had been assigned guards after being released from the hospital a week ago. They were kind enough to stay quiet as they walked to the cabin. The krogan even going so far as to remove debris from the trail so that she wouldn't have trouble. 

There wasn't much hope he was here. It was nearly a hundred miles from where he had been. Where her grandmother left him. Where Shepard had left him. 

She had to stop and breathe in several calming breaths once she got to the top of the small hill. That was when it started to snow. Big, beautiful snow flakes falling to the ground. He must be cold, he never handled the cold well. 

The men next to her stiffened making her look up to find the cause. And she saw him as he stared her down, likely wondering if she was friend or foe.

“Stand down.” Her voice rough from lack of use but still effective.

She watched him sniff the air as he shifted his weight. He was scared and it nearly killed her. The tears fell as his name fell coarsely from her lips, “Whisper.” But it was enough for him. Enough for him to take that first step forward. Each step he took, Shepard met. 

“Get the thermal blankets out. Leave them next to me and step away. He's protective.”

The men slowly dropped the bags next to her making Whisper push air forcefully out of his snout as they stepped away. Whisper was the first life she saved. She had been twelve and on vacation with her family. He had been an abandoned baby. 

“Ma'am...” The krogan hesitated, “I don't mean to intrude, but what the hell is that?”

“My horse.”

Shepard carefully draped the thermal blankets over him before she returned to the front to give him an apple she pulled from her coat pocket. Once he had finished he nudged her shoulder in a long-time ritual the two shared upon meeting again. After school everyday, after deployments. She laughed, as she wrapped her arms around his neck. She cried when she felt his leg wrap around her. Whisper's version of a hug.

“I didn't expect to find you.”

Whisper huffed as his chin pushed her tighter against him, as if he thought the same.


	25. Secret Stash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard finds Thane's secret indulgence.
> 
> Misfire prompt: "Just found this today. Loving this."

The door swished open and she entered while humming a popular tune. She opened her mouth to speak only to see Thane's usual place empty. 

“Huh. Well, I guess I can wait.”

Shepard plopped down on his cot to wait for him since her chair held a small crate. It was a kind of late but he was usually awake. 

After ten minutes of humming the same tune, Shepard laid down on her stomach in Thane's cot and released a frustrated sigh. Her hand fell into the crack between the bed and the wall making something fall under the bed. She reached down and felt a book pad with her fingertips. Curious, she picked it up and flicked it on.

_The drell craved the human female. Desperately. He was unsure how to proceed. He'd searched the extranet for hours on human dating rituals only to end up with even more confusion that what he'd began with._

_How was he going to get the woman to see him as a romantic partner?_

“How...intriguing.” Shepard continued to read.

_”But, Nolan...”_

_Nolan looked down into her expressive human eyes, “It's okay, Opal. Go have fun, I will finish up.”_

_As soon as the door closed behind her he let out a disheartened sigh. Opal had a date tonight. It seemed everything he did she didn't see. Nolan was trying to court her but he only knew how to court a drell. Wrist flickering, sharing tea after supper, cleaning her shoes....he'd been doing all those things. She just didn't see it._

Shepard couldn't put it down. She squished Thane's pillow under her chin as she pushed off her shoes. For the next hour, she was immersed.

* * *

“Shepard?”

When she failed to answer, Thane moved around the cot to see her reading a book pad. _His_ book pad. Thane snatched the pad away from her quickly and put his hands behind his back.

“Wait! Give it back, Thane. I just found this today. Loving this.”

“It isn't polite to snoop, Shepard.”

“They are about to have sex! I need to read it! Please, Thane.”

It seemed she was near the same place he was. This was also slightly embarrassing. If she put two and two together...

“Fine. But you must share my cot.”

Thane sat next to her and they began reading. An hour later, they completed the romance novel together.

“Wow.” Shepard whispers as she fans her face. “That was an amazing book.”

“I agree.”

It looked like Thane would be able to bypass any awkwardness. At least until she gripped his arm causing the the book pad to slip from his fingers.

“Thane?”

Perhaps he had jinxed himself. “Shepard?”

“Is all that true? About drell courting?”

His frill darkened in embarrassment. “Yes.”

Her arms gripped his arm tighter as she leaned into him. “Are you trying to court me, Thane?”

All or nothing, he supposed. “Yes.” Why couldn't he say more than one word?

“I see.” His heart seemed to drop into his stomach. “Since we are far past the first date then, perhaps you should kiss me.”

A nervous excitement replaced fear. Then she did something that warmed his heart. 

Shepard turn his arm so his wrist was facing toward the ceiling, then she placed her wrist over his, the same way Opal did when she accepted Nolan's advances.

Perhaps romance novels could become real, he thought as his lips found hers for the first time.


	26. Boredom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drabble

_Whoosh....Splat!_

There was nothing to do and they were hours away from anywhere. 

_Whoosh....Splat!_

How a captain on a spaceship could get bored, she didn't know. All the reports were done, her rounds made, and grocery lists submitted. This left Shepard restless.

_Whoosh...Splat!_

Restless, bored, and a little twitchy. She'd tried Galaxy of Fantasy, yoga, and just for shits and giggles, solitare. With real cards.

_Whoosh....Splat!_

Shepard smiled when she heard the door swish open.

“Shepard.”

“Wrex.”

“What the hell are you doing?” Wrex sounded surprised.  
–

Wrex entered Shepard's cabin intent on asking her to spar. He was bored.

What he saw slightly disgusted him. It wasn't her soft curves peeking out from under her tight 'underwear', it was what she was doing.

“I was bored...”

Humans were weird creatures. “And that?” Wrex pointed to the observation window above Shepard's bed that was covered with a firing range target. Covered in little white dots.

“Just target practice and research.”

Curious. “Explain.”  
–

Shepard felt a bit like a child caught red handed, but she did her best to show Wrex and explain exactly what she was doing. When she was done Wrex grunted as he eyed her and the target. 

It was several minutes before he spoke.

“Move over. I want to try.”

Shepard moved over quickly before handing Wrex his 'weapons'. Soon, blue dots joined the white dots on the target.

“What do you call this?”

“Spitball.”


	27. More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misfire Prompt: "Need more now!"

Every time Thane entered the mess hall, Shepard was eating something. It wasn't just her sudden need to eat that was confusing him. It was her whimpers of pain when she slept, the sensitivity her skin seemed to have, and above all...her lack of patience. 

This was the fifth time today he'd seen her raiding the refrigerator and cupboards. At this rate, she was going to be vomiting all night. Thane had had enough.

“You look like a man on a mission, Thane.”

“I am, Officer Vakarian.”

“It's just Garrus, and I would advise you not to do what you are about to do.”

The mess hall was pretty full so Thane was sure now was the best time to avoid a scene. Her behavior was a bit unpredictable lately as well.

“Thane, really...”

Thane ignored the turian as he stepped up behind Shepard. “Siha,” his whispered in a tone he knew she enjoyed. A tone that usually sent goose bumps up her arms. “Why don't you drop the miniature cake and come meditate with me.” 

When that failed, which was surprising, Thane wrapped an arm around her waist and began to pull her away from the island covered with some kind of dessert. 

Shepard grabbed on to the sides of the island and yelled, “Need more now!”

“Thane, really...you shouldn't...”

Thane was about to reply to Garrus' panicked warning when he noticed all eyes in the mess hall were on him. All females, any men that had been there had disappeared. It was somewhat terrifying to be looked at by so many women with such...hostility. Never in his life had he experienced such a thing.

Looking at Gardner, the only human man in the mess hall, Thane noticed the man kept his head down and replaced the empty dessert spaces with fresh chocolate lava cakes. 

Slowly releasing his growling girlfriend, Thane backed away. It wasn't until he bumped into Garrus that the females all returned to their plates, a quiet hum returning to the mess hall.

“Spirits man, are you trying to get us killed?”

“I don't understand what just happened.” Thane whispered, afraid to gain the attention of the hostile women.

Garrus sighed. “It's easy. When the human males begin to agree with everything the human females say and they keep their heads down so not to make the females think they are challenging them, that's when you copy the human males behavior. It is the only way to survive.”

“Survive what?”

“PMS.”


	28. Buried Treasure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a Prompt Generator: Hannah Shepard/Conrad Verner "Buried Treasure"

The bar had been dark but now that they were outside, Hannah was able to get a good look at him. He was young. She'd never considered herself a cougar.

“Conrad, how old did you say you were?”

“Oh, I'm thirty.”

Huh, just a little younger than Jane. 

Well, why not? The war was won, her daughter alive, and for the first time in years Hannah could just breathe. Besides, this young man was quite handsome, even if his doe eyes put her off a little.

“This is it!” The blonde man opened the door and led Hannah inside, what she came face to face with was a bit...disturbing.

On a mantle placed above a holographic fire place was a large holo of Commander Jane Shepard surrounded by many smaller holo's and what looked like battery operated candles make the holo's glow with their reflection.

She moved forward to look at the holo's, some of which she'd never seen before.

“Do you like it? She is so amazing!”

“It's quite interesting, Conrad.” Was that Shepard wearing a dress? Wait...was that a signature? “Did the commander autograph these?”

“Yes! Commander Shepard is so nice. Except that one time she shot me in the foot.”

Surprised, Hannah turned to focus her attention on the man that seemed a bit obsessed with Jane, and was met with a very naked man sprawled out on the couch. Well naked except for the ridiculous tube socks and a bottle in his lap.

“Oh,” she squeaked. She wasn't sure whether to be turned on or a little freaked out.

“Wine?” 

Conrad stood holding out the bottle. What she saw as soon as that bottle was out of the way was enough to make her knees weak and her heart race.

“Oh...,” she said huskily. “That's...impressive.”

“Well it was pretty expensive because it's asari made...”

Hannah dropped her purse onto the floor and removed her shawl as she sashayed toward the couch. “I wasn't talking about the wine, Conrad. Perhaps you could show to your room,” she stated as her hand trailed down his bare chest and waist.

“Oh!” He blushed like he just noticed he was standing in only a pair of socks. 

She smacked his pale ass, making him yelp, as he led the way. Oh yes, this would be fun.


	29. Superb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misfire Prompt: "Superb!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still own nothing.

Humming along with the music, Shepard battered another strip before dropping it gently into the oil. She'd been up all night making fish sticks out of the fish that had been gifted to them.

Shepard wasn't much for fish, she didn't like the smell. But for some reason, deep frying them made them delicious. She couldn't begin to understand it, and frankly she didn't want to. 

“What is that horrid smell?”

Shepard frowned as she sniffed the air, “Fish sticks.”

“Next time warn me so I can put up a barrier,” Miranda griped as she turned to return to her quarters. 

Of course Miranda wouldn't like them. Being perfect and all probably meant she had to have her fish steamed or baked.

Wait...can kinetic barriers keep the smell out? If so, they should talk about installing them in the men's bathroom.

Hours later, the last of the fish stick were removed from the oil and set aside to cool. Now she could freeze them and heat them up when needed. 

Once Shepard had her mess cleaned up, the fish sticks were cooled enough for the packaging process. By the time she got the second of four trays done, crew began filtering in. Most covered their noses as they entered the mess hall. Some swiped a fish stick or two while Shepard pretended not to notice.

Kenneth and Joker had given up all attempts at subtlety and were discussing the various types of tarter sauce when heavy footfalls were heard rushing to them. 

Shepard watched in what felt like slow motion as Grunt ran toward the kitchen island, paying no attention to the people getting shoved out of the way. Kasumi cloaked, Jack activated her barrier, Thane stepped gracefully out of the path...Kelly Chambers went flying but was caught in the air by Samara's biotics.

Watching in horror, Grunt lifted the only remaining tray and tipped it. Fish sticks fell into his open mouth, not one missing its target. Shepard watched hours of hard work disappear down a teenagers throat in seconds.

Then...he belched. Not just a belch that makes a bystander snort with humor, but a burp so loud and powerful that Shepard was sure it made her hair fly back and her ears stop working out of fear. 

Silence.

Silence..

Silence...

“A bit cold but the outside was crispy while the inside tender and juicy. All in all, I would have to say: Superb!”

Shepard's mouth opened and closed several times before she spoke. Even then, it sounded unsure. “Um, thanks?”

“You're welcome, Battlemaster.”


	30. Damn...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misfire Prompt: "Damn...."

It was hot, so very hot. 

Shepard shed her uniform top, enjoying the tingle of the cooler air hitting her heated arms. 

“EDI? What the hell happened?”

[A software upgrade seems to have been carrying a virus that caused a problem with the heating and cooling.]

“Is everyone okay?”

[Yes. Gunnery Officer Vakarian seems to be enjoying the heat. The coldest room, the armory, is currently occupied by Ms. Goto, Ms. Chambers, and Mr. Taylor. Though the temperature is near freezing, they are able to share body heat.]

“No details please! How long until you can get the doors unlocked?”

[I am unsure. The virus moved fast. I was able to stop it before it entered the life support systems.]

“That's all for now.”

[Logging you out, Commander.]

This was ridiculous. Shepard was going to hunt down the person or persons responsible.

“Siha, it is doubtful anger will help you feel cooler.”

Sweat trickled down her brow as she removed her tank top to use as a towel. Next, she removed her shoes and socks. The cool floor felt good on her toes.

“Maybe not but it keeps my mind off the heat.”Shepard leaned back against the cool metal chair, her eyes closed. “I know you're smirking smugly at me desert creature. I can feel it.”

Thane didn't say anything, he didn't need to. When Shepard opened her eyes to glare at him, he was standing with his back to her removing his coat, then vest. It was difficult not to stare as his muscle rippled and his scales glittered. 

“Drell are several degrees cooler than humans. Perhaps leaning against me will keep you cool. For the good of your health of course.” His small smile when he looked over his shoulder made her suck in a breath as arousal rose within her.

Then he was shedding his shoes and pants. Seeing his underwear was a bit of a disappointment, but getting to see most of his black markings ...bonus!

“Ah, my health....yeah. That.”

Her breath escaped with a whoosh when he turned around, his erection tenting the front of his tight underwear.

Damn.....

Her eyes met his, “Perhaps you can help me with my pants?”

His pleased rumble sent heat straight to her core.


	31. Part 2 of Damn...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of previous chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please ignore any mistakes. I still own nothing. Darn it.

_Armory_

“You keep handcuffs in your armor?”

The thief smiled as she cuffed Jacob's wrists to the table leg above his head. “You never know when you need them.”

“Ms. Goto, Ms. Chambers, body warmth really isn't necessary. I have portable heating units in the lockers,” Jacob stated in a rush. Kasumi only paused long enough to give a creepy half smirk before she activated her cloak. 

Kelly ran a finger down Jacob's bare arm, “I don't think Commander Shepard would be very happy if she had to replace a very important part in the squad's survival gear.” 

Jacob could only agree as goosebumps covered his arm, then chest. Not that he was complaining exactly, but this was his workspace. A clean... a mouth on his bicep …clean, sterile workspace. 

Warmth at his back, another mouth teasing his nipple as fingers outlined his trembling abs.

Finally, someone that appreciated his constant sit-ups. 

It was beginning to get difficult to concentrate. Whether it was the cold, Kelly's very talented tongue, or Kasumi's invisible fingers, he wasn't sure. 

He opened his eyes, not realizing he'd closed them, when he felt warmth at his feet.

Heating units. 

One behind him, one on each side, and one at his feet creating a small area of warmth inside a barrier Kasumi must have activated. 

“Lay down,” Kelly whispered.

Jacob followed the order easily as he scooted down to allow his back to rest on the cool floor instead of the table leg. His hands were still cuffed above his head. 

Kelly stripped down quickly, a bright smile on her lips the entire time. 

Invisible hands unzipped his Cerberus issued uniform the rest of the way. He lifted his hips when he felt hands tugging the clothing down. He hissed when his ass touched the cold floor. It was only a few seconds of discomfort before his body heat warmed the metal. 

“Watch this!” Kelly stated, her breasts bouncing when her arm pointed to Jacob's hardened length. 

Warmth at the tip. He closed his eyes with a moan.

“Look, you have to look.”

Jacob looked back to his cock only to find it disappearing as warmth enveloped it. He watched, mesmerized by the mixture of sight and sensation. 

His attention was pulled away when a small pillow was placed under his head. Then Kelly mounted his face. She looked down at him smiling, her perky breasts jiggling as she adjusted her hips and supported herself.

Huh...she really is a redhead. 

The slow rocking against his hips paused as Kelly's lips were parted before him. Jacob didn't waste time tasting the Normandy's yeoman.

Soon there were gasps and moans filling the room as both women rode Jacob. 

Kasumi came first, her tight walls clamping down hard on him while her quiet moans made Kelly grind harder against his face. Kelly came second while Jacob's tongue was buried inside her, Kasumi's now visible fingers working Kelly's clit furiously as Kelly's finger nails left marks on her lovers. Lastly, Jacob came with a few grunts and a moan into Kelly's inner tight. 

[This is a ship-wide announcement: I will be gradually returning the ships temperatures back to normal. It will take approximately twenty minutes to do so.]

 

 

_In Life Support_

She was completely bared before him. Her bra, panties, and uniform pants in a pile on the floor next to her chair while his lips licked trails on her salty skin.

It was an experience she'd never had before. It was one thing to sweat while screwing, it was another to have the sweat licked off of your waist as foreplay.

She couldn't help but be somewhat embarrassed. Thane seemed to enjoy the taste of her though.

When he stood from his kneeling position on the floor, Shepard wasted no time pulling his underwear down and tossing them behind her as she licked the pre-cum off the tip of his cock. His fingers threaded and grasped her hair as she ran her tongue down along the ridges to the base before gently sucking on his testicle. Thane used his grip on her hair to pull her to her feet before she could take him into her mouth.

“Hey... I wa-”

“I will not last if I let you taste me.”

“Mmm, a very nice compliment indeed,” she whispered as she pulled back teasingly, not allowing him to kiss her. 

He growled and followed as she kept successfully dodging his attempts. “You test my patience now, Siha?” He pushed her down roughly on top of the length of the table, her hands knocking off his lamp in a lazy attempt to escape as he spread her legs with his hips. Grabbing her waist with both hands, Thane pulled her, her slick body sliding almost effortlessly to him. He thrust into her, her sweaty inner thighs aiding his entrance. No hands necessary to guide him home. 

Her back arched off the table, all attempts at escape forgotten as her legs pulled him more firmly against her.

“Thane,” she begged as he used his grip on her lower waist to keep her still, but he didn't move. The play fighting was arousing but he wasn't going to budge until he'd felt her tongue against his. “Please, Thane!”

Leaning forward, he traced her mouth with his tongue. When she leaned up to kiss him, he pulled away. He teased her the same way two more times before she seemed to get the message. Going limp under him, she waited.

“It isn't polite to not let your lover taste your lips, Siha.” Her already lust filled eyes seemed even more heated. Her body tensed in pleasure as he ground his hips into her. “Are you going to let me kiss you now?”

“Yes,” she whispered roughly.

Finally, after months of longing and fantasizing, he pressed his lips against hers. So soft and warm as they parted for him. They tasted of fruit and the sea. 

Two of his favorite things.

Her mouth swallowed his moan when their tongues met. Only then did he begin thrusting his hips. Doing so only added to the fervency of her kiss. 

One of her hands slipped in between them reminding him of the difference between human and drell females. He reluctantly pulled away to change the angle of his thrust. 

Her breathing became labored as her fingers moved in circles. Suddenly, her back arched off the table as her mouth fell open in a silent moan. Thane was lost as soon as her back lay flat on the table again, her body limp from pleasure. He growled, too low for human hearing, as he emptied himself inside her before resting his forehead against her shoulder.

It was her giggle, completely out of character, that made him raise his head.

“I felt you growl. It made your colors dance. It tasted like skittles.”

What? “I do not understand, Siha.”

She laughed again. “Your voice vibrates the hair on my arms. Did you know your voice is gold? You are _so pretty_ , Thane!”

 _Oral contact may cause hallucinations._

[This is a ship-wide announcement: I will be gradually returning the ships temperatures back to normal. It will take approximately twenty minutes to do so.]

Thane lifted and carried Shepard to his cot before he contacted Mordin. 

 

 

_In the Main Battery_

Garrus was singing along to an earth tune he'd heard Navigator Pressley listening to once. A nice cold drink in one hand, the other resting comfortably against the chair's arm.

_So bring me two pina coladas.  
One for each hand,  
Let’s set sail with Captin Morgan   
And never leave dry land. _

Well, probably not the sailing part. Turians didn't swim. They sank.

_Troubles I forgot ‘em,  
I buried ‘em in the sand, _

Warm sand against his back, the sun shining down on his plates...

Garrus stood quickly, setting his drink aside, and began stripping. Armor fell to the floor, for once only kicked aside instead of being put away properly. After a moments hesitation, Garrus unzipped and removed his under-suit. His shoulders slumped as the heat hit his bared plates. Pulling the rest of the suit off, Garrus returned to his position in his chair. Though this time he was completely naked.

“EDI, could you please upload an audio file to my terminal?”

[Of course, what kind would you like? Perhaps one of the activity in the Armory, or maybe the activity in Life Support?]

“Activities?”

[Yes. The temperature in the Armory has dropped, the doors locked Mr. Taylor inside the armory with Ms. Chambers and Ms. Goto. In Life Support, Mr. Krios and Commander Shepard are experiencing the same temperature increase that you are. Mr. Krios is trying to cool the Commander's rising body heat, however it seems to be counter-productive.]

“Does Joker know about these audio...”

[No. The Commander has ordered me to cut off most of Mr. Massani and Joker's access to my audio files.]

“But she hasn't cut me off?” So very tempting. But then Shepard would probably kill him if she ever found out he tuned in without permission. But if he just asked her if he could listen to them later on...after this was over. “Better stick with my original plan, a beach on Palaven, near Cipritine.”

His terminal beeped with the file. He quickly loaded it, the Main Battery filling with familiar sounds. With a happy sigh, he sunk deeper into the chair Shepard had bought for him as he closed his eyes to pretend he was at his favorite spot.

He wasn't sure how long he sat there in the wonderful heat, the condensation on his glass making a ring on a crate. His eyes quickly grew heavy and his breathing began to even out...

[This is a ship-wide announcement: I will be gradually returning the ships temperatures back to normal. It will take approximately twenty minutes to do so.]

“Give me another hour, EDI.”

[Of course, Mr. Vakarian. The door will remain locked until you unlock it yourself. The temperature will return to normal after one hours time.]

 

_In the XO's Quarters/Office_

Miranda watched as reports came to her terminal after EDI had made her announcement. 

_-Requisition Order: 4 portable heating units  
-Ms. Lawson, the commander will be unavailable for several hours. -EDI  
-Grunt wants to know if getting an erection at the smell of gun oil is bad. Doctor Chakwas and Ms. Chambers unavailable. Professor Mordin is sleeping.  
-Thanix Canon calibrations delayed one hour.  
\- Marijuana detected in the medbay. Doctor Chakwas and Mr. Massani requesting Cheetos and Mountain Dew._

 

What the hell? It was just a temporary lock down, barely an hour total. How can so many people be unavailable?

“Come back to bed, Cheerleader. I want to play with your pom-poms.”

“Just a minute, Jack.” Surely the crew could handle themselves for an hour.


	32. Welcome Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FemShep/Bray

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I am back! Wahahaha!

“Shepard?” Bray stated with surprise. “When did you get back?”

“Just making my rounds, Bray. Thought I'd stop by Omega and see how Aria is doing since the war is over.”

“Oh. How long will you be staying?”

Shepard smirked as she stepped forward. “Well, I guess that depends.”

“On?” Bray asked hopefully but making sure it was masked.

“On whether or not a certain batarian is free to rock my world.”

Bray smiled, his four eyes squinting slightly. “Rumor is Anto is unattached.”

“Hmm, yes, Anto. Decent looking I guess.”

“Or maybe you were referring to Marsh down in the shops? I hear he really enjoys your business.”

“Oh I'm sure he does...,” she said with a small, tense smile.

“That mad prophet didn't make it,” Bray continued.

Shepard stepped forward a little more into Bray's space. “Pity.”

Sobering, Bray ran a knuckle over her bottom lip. “I told you I would wait for you, Shepard.”

“It's been a year, Bray.” She broke eye contact. “Rumors of my second death already began circulating before I woke up. I would understand if...”

Bray gently lifted her chin up to meet her eyes, “Aria has a soft spot for you, Shepard,” he whispered as his thumb softly stroked her jaw. “Do you think she'd let me live if I broke my word to you? That she wouldn't tell me the rumors were just that?”

“So, you're available?” Her words soft, almost too soft to be heard.

“No,” he stated gruffly. “I'm yours.”


	33. Bad Idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FemShep + Kolyat

This was not a good idea.

“Father, I know nothing of humans.”

“It is simple, Kolyat. You are to escort Shepard to the C-Sec ball.”

“Because the people hunting her are too blind to notice I'm blue?” He complained.

“They do not know anything other than that her guest will be a drell,” Thane answered, always patient.

Why him? “Why not Feron?”

“Feron is still recovering from being tortured for two years after he stole Shepard's body from Collector and Shadow Broker forces.”

Kolyat stood still as his father adjusted his suit. More human things that were odd. “Are you sure you're okay with me taking your girlfriend to some fancy party?”

Thane gave a small smile. “You do not find her attractive?” He said teasingly, already knowing the answer.

Kolyat couldn't stop his frill from darkening. He chose not to answer such a ridiculous question.

“Shepard can take care of herself, Kolyat. It will be much quieter this way if I just do what I do. Hopefully, I will be able to take your place before the evening is even half over.”

Knowing he would find know way out of paying back the woman that kept him from prison, he agreed like he had a choice. “She is attractive, Father. If you hadn't already --what do humans say-- called 'dibs', then I would have tried to woo her myself.” Thane's brow raised at Kolyat's confidence.

Kolyat knew that by drell standards he was too tall and his shoulders too broad. But human women...they loved their men big and muscular.

“Not that I wish to dampen your spirit, Son, you must know that she is very...”

Oh no.

“She tackles me as soon as my jacket falls off of my shoulders, her lips and teeth tasting and nipping as her hands pull the clothing from my body. She moves fast, almost too fast for me to catch her. I push her to the bed roughly but she fights, bucking me off with her hips and straddling mine...”

“Father! I get it thank you!” Gods.

“I did not mean for that to happen. My apologies,” Thane says as he bows his head respectfully.

Kolyat sighs, “Better me than someone else.”

A loud voice interrupts them, “--ullshit! I will not go without a weapon, Bailey. Tell them bastards I am invoking my Spectre status.”

Silence as Bailey replies, then, “You'd be surprised where I can hide weapons while wearing a dress.”

Shepard closed the call and faced the two drell wearing tuxedos. “You both look sexy as hell. That should be illegal.”

Kolyat flushed slightly at the compliment. Thane only smirked.

This was going to be a long night.


	34. Different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FemShep/Cortez

Other than the girl he'd fumbled around with in high school, he's only been with men. And now Shepard.

Steve watched as Shepard's eyes moved behind her eyelids rapidly, her brow creasing in displeasure. A bad dream most likely. 

Try as he might, he couldn't figure out what made Shepard so different from other women. She's attractive of course, but that wasn't what he'd noticed about her the first time he saw her in person. Her eyes told him she understood, her patience told him that she cared, and later, her kiss... 

All the feelings he felt every time she looked at him had left him utterly baffled. At least for a while. It wasn't until sometime later, when she found the Leviathan, that he'd realized his feelings ran deeper than respect.

Far deeper.

Then he'd had to deal with the fact that he loved a woman. Something he hadn't felt since that girl in high school. 

Never being one to shy away from puzzles, he'd asked to kiss her. She'd been confused and slightly amused but consented. The second his tongue met hers, his veins filled with fire and need. 

Since that day they'd stolen kisses anywhere they could, both trying their best not to rush too quickly. 

James teased him constantly.

“Steve?”

“Hmm?” He replied sleepily and he pulled her tighter against him.

A pause. “Any regrets?”

“Not one, Shepard.” Her body relaxed with his answer, an answer she must have feared. 

They lay there for some time, not sleeping but not talking. Just...thinking. About the future, about now, about anything that wasn't the war.

“Was I better than the Trident?”

The smile in her voice and the question had him laughing harder than he had in a long time. She rolled on her back smiling up at him as he leaned over her trying to catch his breath.

She really was something. Amazing, spectacular, wonderful...

“Far better, Shepard. Though the handling requires less...finesse on the Trident.” He covered her mouth with his before she could make a retort.


End file.
